So, this week I embarked on another new adventure. It didn't require me to go far, and it's something I have wanted to try for a long time, but have never been brave enough, until now. Were it not for the necessity created by a) finding the CUTEST red high heels that I REALLY want to wear to church and b) being informed I was to be a bridesmaid in April, I probably would not have tried it. But while looking at dress patterns, and later while showing off my red shoes to Cathie, I realized the awful truth.
I was paler than shaving cream on a snow man.
Cathie saw this, looked at me, and suggested I consider self tanning at least my legs before I show them off in any way shape or form. "Beyond butt white" "dead fish-belly white" and "corpse-like pallor" are all terms that aptly described the condition of my legs. And I could blame it on winter in Edmonton, like, when are my legs EVER going to see the sun, but honestly? My mid-summer "tan" is only half a shade darker than my legs in mid-winter, if that. Or has an orangey-yellow look I like to call "jaundice" resulting from experiments with self-tanning lotion. I concurred that something needed to be done, since I didn't want to have an entirely bottle-provided tan. So I decided the time had come to join the ranks of naturally pale-skinned people everywhere, and do something for which I used to mock others (including my own family members).
Yup. I went indoor tanning this week.
It was a little weird, walking in to the neighborhood tanning salon. The girl working there was really nice, and I feel kind of bad, because I walked in (nervously, like I was part of a shady drug deal, or something), she said "Hi, can I help you?" and I let loose with a torrent of explanation, backstory, and anecdote that went something like this:
"HisoIwantedtofindoutabouttanningI'veneverbeentanningbeforeandIamgonnabeabridesmaidinAprilfor mybrother'sweddinginCaliforniaandmylegsarereallyreallywhitebecauseit'swinterherebutalsobecausemylegsjust don'ttanatleastthebottomhalfofthemdoesn'tusuallyandifIlayoutinthesunformorethan20minutestheytend togetarashthatlookslikebloodblistersbutIwanttogiveitatrybecausemysister'ssuggestedittomelikefifty timessoIfigurednowwouldbeagoodtimetogiveitawhirlandalsomaybespraytanningalthoughIdon'tknow howthatwouldlookonmesoanywaywhatareyourprices?"
She was very nice. She didn't laugh at me when I showed her just how pale my legs were, and she was very patient in explaining their pricing options and whatnot. I didn't sign up that day - I wanted to think it over - but on Thursday this past week, I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for a month membership (which was pretty darn cheap, especially compared to their single session prices). I then had to purchase eye protectors and lotion, which threw me for a minute, but I managed to convince the girl that no, really, I was okay with the cheap stuff, I didn't need tanning lotion that cost as much as a purebred dog and was edible. I almost wanted to shout, "Do I LOOK like a girl who needs edible tanning lotion?!"
I hadn't actually planned to tan that day - I was going to make an appointment for the next day, and bring my swimsuit with me, because the idea of tanning nude kind of weirded me out, but after hooking me up with eye thingies and lotion, the girl was like, "I'll have you try bed 8, and we'll start you at five minutes, just to make sure you don't get a rash" (I think she was really worried that I'd break out in hives and sue the pants off the salon - which, when you consider all the release forms I signed, and the warning labels everywhere, would be rather difficult, but then, we do live in the 21st century, a.k.a., I'm suing McDonald's for making me fat century, so...).
So I ended up tanning au natural (scandalesque!), which wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. Also, tanning lotion smells so good! But I decided that if I was going to do this five minutes at a time, I'd be lucky to be a shade darker when I go home. So I made another appointment for today, and went for >gasp< 10 minutes! It took a bit of talking to convince the girl (not the same one from Thursday) to let me, since Thursday's girl had deemed me skin type 1, e.g. Very Pale and made note of my sun allergy. But I promised I wouldn't sue if I broke out in rash, explaining that it usually took between 20 and 30 minutes for my legs to react that way, and the rest of me was usually fine, and she was like, "Well, you signed the waiver, so whatever, go for it."
And again, it was fine. I was a little worried towards the end, because the bed started making some sort of sound like water boiling, and I was worried it'd explode, which would be an embarrassing way to die ("Woman, 28, dies in tanning bed accident! Corpse-like pallor suggests it was her first time!"), but my session ended about thirty seconds after the noise started, so I didn't worry about it. And I've been checking periodically all day, and while my legs are still pale (although maybe a smidge less than before? No? >sigggghhhh<), they have yet to break out. Yay for indoor tanning!
And in a couple of weeks, I will (hopefully) have enough of a base to try the next frontier - Mystic Spray Tan, dun dun DUN!!
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