So You Got a Kitten (or Two)...

See, I've never owned an indoor kitten.  All the kittens we had when I was a child were outdoor cats, kept because they killed the rodents residing in the garage.  Once the kittens were old enough to be off nursing, they were moved from the downstairs bathroom to the garage, which became their permanent residence.  The last indoor cat we had, Oreo, was full grown, and she was never my cat - she was all Gillian's.  So this whole owning-indoor-kittens dealie is new, and kind of exciting.  For those of you who have never owned an indoor kitten, a few things to keep in mind:

The kitten will rarely use the bed you bought for it.  If you are within five feet, maybe.  Otherwise, the kitten will find all sorts of random places in which to rest its fuzzy little head, like, for instance:

the bookshelf

the bathroom sink

the bathtub

the footstool, under a blankie (aww...)

on your shoes (especially if you've just taken them off, which I guess has something to do with the warmth, but can't possibly smell good)

or your backpack.

Really, just save yourself the 20 bucks you'd spend on a bed for your kitten, pick an old blanket you aren't emotionally attached to, and designate that the "kitty blankie".  Because odds are, your kitten won't want to sleep on it anyway.

Why won't your kitten want to sleep on it?  Because your kitten wants to be NEAR you.  Your kitten LOVES you, and needs LOTS of love in return.  Your kitten loves you so much, that it will even SHARE your lap with another kitten, just so they both get quality time.

(No, I did not stage this shot, they both climbed up and settled down on their own.)

Keep in mind, however, that if you have two kittens on your lap at once, it is just a matter of time before a WWF-style smackdown happens, and you will want to respond quickly and appropriately, i.e., jumping up so the sparring kittens fall to the floor, so you don't die.

Also, if you decide that you and your kitty need a break - a little personal space, if you will - be prepared to be stalked.  Because, you see, your kitty does not understand the concept of personal space.  Your kitty will follow you into the bathroom, if you let it.  Your kitty will find all sorts of ways to hide in your room so you can't evict it at bedtime (not shown: Angus on the bookshelf by my bed, BEHIND the books, unsure how to extract himself).  And when you do manage to get the kitten out and the door shut, don't be surprised when this happens:

Just try to ignore it, and don't think about Signs.  Even when the door starts thumping.  Even when the thumping moves downstairs, and you're sure that things are getting knocked over, and possibly broken.  Don't freak out, and whatever you do, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!!  Your kitten is a stealth ninja, capable of creating a distraction in one part of the house and, upon hearing the tell-tale squeak of a doorknob turning, racing back with lightning speed to rush through the tiniest gap between door and jam.  Especially if there's two of them - then they work as a pair, creating a distraction and pushing against the slightly opened door you were foolish enough to unlatch for a brief moment. 

Also bear in mind that, even if the kittens are teeny tiny, the smell of their poo is not.  Scoop every day.  No, really.  No, REALLY!  EVERY.  DAY. or the stench will KEEEL YOU!!!  I forgot to scoop last night after choir practice.  I paid for it this morning >sob<, and now my nosehairs will never grow back. 

While it is a generally known fact that cats cannot abide the sight of someone reading (which means looking at a book, magazine, or paper, and not at them), kittens take it even more personally.  It hurts their tiny little fuzzy feelings, and causes them to get even in a multitude of ways:

1. Jumping up on the table repeatedly to "inspect" your book for you.  Usually by coming between you and the book, then settling down to "read" it themselves.  This is easily remedied by gently scooping up the kitten and placing it on the floor, but often leads to...
2. Jumping up on other forbidden surfaces, like the counter or bar, neither of which are within arm's reach, which means you can either get up and scoop the kitten down, thereby giving it the attention it so ardently craves, even if it's negative attention, or ignore it.  Ignoring it tends to lead the kitten to resort to number 1.
3. Making a game out of attacking your pantlegs.  Because this is no fun while you're walking, but super fun if you're sitting and reading.  Just try to ignore it.  I dare you.  Stock up on band-aids and iodine if that's gonna be your coping strategy.  Also know that, if you do ignore it, the kitten will just resort to number 1.
4. Coming up, settling down under your chair, and then reaching up to delicately hook one solitary claw into your pantleg, then slllloooooowwwwwwllllllyyyyy scratching down your leg.  Starts off feeling like a bug bite, ends up feeling like an electric shock.  My hair is still on end.  Once you are sufficiently spooked, see number 1.
5. (If you are reclining and reading) Jumping up from the floor to the space on your chest between your face and your book, then plopping down and conking out before you have adequate time to react.  At this point, the kitten is counting on its extreme adorable-ness to save it from an unceremonious deposit on the floor.  Even if the cute-factor doesn't save the kitten from the floor, it will just repeat the action until the desired result (you giving up on reading) is achieved.  You CAN always put a door between you and the kitten, but that often leads to Signs-paws, picture above.  Creepy!

Having a kitten (or two) is a blast, but know what you are getting yourself into.  The days of leaving your doors open?  Gone.  The days of privacy in the bathroom?  Gone, unless you're faster than the kittens, or you don't have to pee so badly that you can take the time to evict them before attending to your business.  The days of fur-less clothing?  Gone, so make sure you have a lint roller handy right by the door, because depillating your clothing upstairs ain't gonna cut it.  Don't sit before looking, unless you want claw marks on your backside.  Don't step before looking, because I guarantee the kitten will be there and take it personally.  The kitten will try their darndest to eat what you're eating, and drink what you're drinking, so do not, under ANY circumstances, leave unattended glasses with liquid in them out.  Because if you turn your back, even for a second, the kitten will try to drink out of your glass, and I don't know what Diet Coke does to kittens, but I almost found out.  Thankfully, I'd drunk far enough down in the glass that Angus couldn't get at it.  If you have two kittens, love them equally.  They'll notice if you pay more attention to one and react like the bad kid in class who acts out for attention, so share the love.  And if you do it right, they'll love you back, and consent to be your footwarmers on a chilly night.  Which is nice.